Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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