Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
