A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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