I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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