the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
