guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
