He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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