How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
