You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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