PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
