everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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