Hey man sorry I got all grabby
kristin has been a bad kristin
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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