so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
The air taste purple.
Randomize
