I could have mohawked her pubes.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
