i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
