I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize