Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
