he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We have started to decorate penises.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
