While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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