I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
