these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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