Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
In America we eat man semen.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
