we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
