ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
