glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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