i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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