last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize