It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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