We won't sleep together?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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