I'm going to jail i love you
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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