just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
