Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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