Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
