the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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