I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
