She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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