Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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