i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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