I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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