I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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