we're chasing vodka with high fives
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
