I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
