Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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