you win again, gameday.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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