I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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