You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize