Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
