god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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