I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
