I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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