sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
