I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
