Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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