Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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