My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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