I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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