also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
