life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
