I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
