Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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