As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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