I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Randomize
