you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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